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Simple Fun Ways To Manipulate Your Human


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#1 Allee

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Posted 05 January 2014 - 05:07 PM

Humans constantly worry about our diets and health. Creative parrots can use any food as an effective manipulation device. 
Let's start with breakfast foods. Soft food is versatile and has many uses. Never waste a bit. When your human brings you a bowl of warm soft food, don't always eat it or play in it. About once a week, examine the food and no matter how good it looks or how much you want it, look at it with contempt, then walk away without taking a single bite. Go slump on your perch while looking starved and disappointed. Slick down your feathers to make yourself look skinnier than you really are. Give your human the stink eye so he or she will try to do better in the future. On other days, dive right into that soft, mushy, messy stuff and make good use of it. Fill your beak with oatmeal, then vigorously shake your head and sling wet food everywhere. Rub what's left on your beak, on your perches and toys and the bars of your cage. Small, soft items like peas, grapes, corn and cooked rice make great projectiles and if thrown correctly will stick to walls, cages, furniture and dogs, if you have them. Later you can laugh at the dogs while they are getting the food brushed out of their hair. If you are lucky enough to get pomegranates, act delighted and let your human see you eat some so they will get you more. The kernels are fun to pop in your beak and the seeds taste great. They also make good ammo and stick to almost anything. 
Pasta is another favorite, especially when it's covered in red sauce. When you get this special treat, eat what you want, proclaiming loudly how much you love it and want it for dinner more often. When you are done eating, climb into the bowl and squish the pasta and sauce between your toes, get some on your face and feathers, then climb all over your cage, leaving a trail of sauce to dry on your toys and perches. Use any leftover spaghetti to decorate your room. Let dry. It will pay off later. 
Most well kept parrots have a constant supply of pellets. These too can be used to your benefit. Eat a few, they're good for you. When you get a fresh bowl, put some in your water bowl to soak. Colored pellets are best, but if you don't get colored ones, you can add dyed toy parts to your bowl, this adds lovely colors to the water and will make your human scratch it's head in confusion. If you happen to be a large parrot you can tuck a few wet pellets into your feathers, under your wings and in the feathers on your breast. When your human finds them, he or she will think you have an eating disorder and you will get an even better menu. Don't do this too often or you'll find yourself in a travel cage on the way to a vet. When you are done tucking pellets into your feathers, go stir the contents of your water bowl, add some spinach or whatever you have a lot of. Poop in your water bowl. Poop soup is time sensitive because if your human walks by and sees it, he or she will take it away before you finish your fine art project. Fresh food doesn't stay in your cage too long either and should be used quickly. If your human is near enough, while you are busy, watch them closely and if they show signs of losing patience with you, offer them a small bite of food, if they refuse the offered goodie, climb to their shoulder and put it in their ear, their hair, or stuff it up their nose, or put it down their shirt. If they aren't amused, make kissy sounds, turn your head to the side and look like you don't have a clue what they could possibly be upset about. 
Dry food doesn't stick to surfaces and turn to concrete like soft food but if you are feeling energetic and creative, it still has it's uses. Dry food is much noisier than soft food. Our human cleans our cages every evening after dinner. If you have used your soft food wisely it will be dried on your toys, your perches, your cage and you. While your human is scrubbing, washing, cleaning, changing paper, scraping and mopping food off the walls and floors and giving you a bath, use the time for bonding. Give your human lots of attention, ride on their shoulders and play with them, work on their hair, remove buttons, strings or anything unsightly and keep it for yourself. If you are a re-homed bird or even if you're not, bite the human occasionally and they will reward you by saying something stupid like, "What's wrong with my angel? What are you upset about, Little Precious? How can Mommy or Daddy make it better?" 
When you return to your immaculately clean cage, it's a good time to inventory your things. If you would prefer a different kind of perch, chew the old one and pretty soon your human will think it's unsafe and replace it with a new and improved one. Same with toys. Now that your cage is clean, you will probably have a bowl of fresh water and a bowl of dry foraging mix. If you want more time with your human, splash all the water in your bowl all over yourself and your clean cage. A cup of water instantly becomes a gallon of water if you spread it around. Most humans will not allow you to sleep in a wet cage and they will come back to clean and dry everything, including you. Now you can look wet and pitiful. This will get you extra attention.
Now the dry food, turn your head sideways and dig down to the bottom of the bowl, a quick flick of the neck will push the food over the edge of the bowl. You'll know when you've practiced this technique to perfection by how far you can make the food travel. The first step will remove most of the food from the bowl , and the food will make a magical noise when it hits the floor, the walls and your neighbors, it will also decorate the fresh, clean paper in the bottom of your cage. Use your foot to pick up the remaining food and throw it with your fist as hard as you can. Banana chips make great shovels for those tiny pieces. When the bowl is completely empty, call your human while staring into your empty bowl with a bewildered, innocent look. Most of them will put a little more food in your bowl so you don't go to bed hungry. Repeat. Your human will think you hate your food and try to find items that you will actually like and hopefully swallow. This is how we got, popcorn, star anise, cinnamon and sesame sticks, crazy corn, and an occasional almond added to our menu. Your human can be trained to bring special treats to you and feed you from his or her fingers. Really well trained humans will now sit in a chair by your cage and read you a bedtime story. When that happens, celebrate, pat yourself on the back, you've done well. By now you should be exhausted from working so hard and be ready for sleep. Don't let your humans off easy, make them cover your cage, turn off the lights, TV's and stereos, close the curtains, and tell you good-night. Even if you don't talk to your human, you should learn to say, nite nite, sweet dreams or something cute like that, this will get your human to run to your cage, tell you how smart you are and generally make fools of themselves. Humans can be loveable and entertaining. They will also wake in a good mood the next day and want to make you as happy as possible. 
All these methods have been tested on our human and we have found them to be successful. A well trained human is such a rewarding experience. Good luck with your training. 
Popeye, Zeke and Harry 
  • cnyguy, Bene_Gesserit, Oteyspeople and 1 other like this

#2 Siobhan

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Posted 05 January 2014 - 07:05 PM

I am NOT going to show this to my birds.


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#3 Cindi&Jeriel

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Posted 05 January 2014 - 08:32 PM

Popeye, Zeke, and Harry,

Thanks for the tips! I'm just a youngster so my humans REALLY get sappy when I make cute sounds! This is good stuff!
I hope to be just like you some day! I'm on the way already....I can just FEEL it!
Your pal, Ocho


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#4 Jan Cullen

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Posted 05 January 2014 - 08:53 PM

Note to self - dont read Allee's posts while at work.  Non quaker people just dont get the signficance of these posts - or the loud gaffaws from my desk.


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#5 Gypsie&Tango

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 04:11 PM

HAHAHAHA! I read this to my husband and he can't believe the accuracy! Wonderful picture of life from a Quakers view.
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#6 Fig

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 04:30 PM

I swear my birds collaborated on this!



#7 LindeeV

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 05:12 PM

I feel so silly when I read this, because it sounds exactly like me. My birds have really trained me properly!

 

This was hysterical, thanks Allee!!!


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#8 Allee

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Posted 07 January 2014 - 10:01 AM

Glad you enjoyed it. :)

Ocho, you can be Harry's wingman anytime! :) Or she could be yours.
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#9 Oteyspeople

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Posted 07 January 2014 - 11:24 AM

Forwarded this to my Hubby, the university librarian. It will definitely get passed around. We're the only ones with a parrot, but several others have pets, and they're treated the exact same way. After all, we consider life with our Llasa as "parrot prep."