Every time I closed my eyes last night, I saw Sammy... I bawled my eyes out for hours and hours. I went to bed at 11, and I didn't fall asleep until 2... most of that was spent crying. I missed her. I played over "what ifs" in my mind. I thought about her suffering, and hated God for making her die such a horrible death after the horrible life that she had.

Finally I realized that maybe, just maybe, I kept seeing Sammy when I closed my eyes because she was trying to tell me something. So I decided to leave them closed and let the image play its course.
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Sammy flew to me, full feathered, and perched on my finger. I was so happy to see her that I burst into tears, and sobbed "oh Sammy I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" She let me scritch her head, all fluffed up, and she made her cute little noises like she always did when I walked in the room.

Then Jesus came, and I knew He was gonna take her away, and I refused. I said, "She's my bird and you can't have her, not so soon. Let her live with me happy for a while and THEN you can have her, but only if you let her die peacefully in her sleep like she deserves." He just stood there for a while, and watched me as I pet and talked with Sammy. Then she decided to opt out of head scritches to preen her full-feathered chest, which I had never seen before.

"Wow, she has lots of feathers now... she's beautiful." I said.

"Yeah, isn't she?" He replied. "You know Angilla, she's happy now."

"Yeah, I know, but *I* wanted to be the one to make her happy first."

"All I wanted you to do was try, honey. And that's what you did."

"I could have tried more. And instead, I just sped up her death."

"Angilla... everyone is telling you that stress just sped up a death that was going to happen soon anyway, aren't they?"

"Yeah, but all I wanted was more time with her... more time to make her happy. And I hated seeing her suffer like that! Why couldn't I at least have known a few days before? I thought I had years left with her!"

"But hun, you didn't want her to suffer, right?"

"Right... and your point?"

"Birds mask symptoms until they can't bare it anymore. How do you know she wasn't already feeling down and wasn't showing it? And once you DID start to see symptoms, you would've had your warning, yes, but you would also have proof of suffering. She would have slowly deteriorated in front of your eyes while you had your "advanced notice" so you could get ready, while she suffered for your convenience. Then, after deteriorating... THEN she would have had this death. And how do you know that it wouldn't have been longer than 8 hours if the stress you caused her didn't speed it up? How do you know she wouldn't have been seizuring the entire day instead?"

"True... after all the suffering she's had, I'd prefer it be me suffering in grief over her suffering in a long drawn out death. I'm being selfish, aren't I?"

"You're just being hurt. But I want you to change how you're thinking about it. Look at her, she's happy now. YOU wanted her to be happy. I wanted to teach you to open your heart to someone when you were least prepared for them. You need to know that not everything happens on your schedule. I wanted her to come home to me only after she had a positive experience, only after someone made her happy a little. And that's what you did."

"But I was so stupid, I should've taken care of her earlier."

"Angilla, just learn from that. Don't ever do it again. Take great care of Andrew so he's not like this when he's old, and take care of another bird that you rescue when you can. Look at her, she's happy."

Sammy looked up at me and barked. Then she went off on her whistling spree, a combination of her two whistles that she created new versions of when she was happy, and we both laughed.

He reached out to take her from my finger and I said, "I'm not ready yet." He nodded and backed off a little. "I'm really gonna miss her. It's gonna be so empty without her. Please, teach me how to be selfless enough to let her go. I have to think of her before myself."

She leaned to me for head scritches again and I said, "I wish I could've done this while you were dying. You died all alone."

"Angilla, she died how she wanted to... in an environment that she was used to. She wouldn't have wanted you to touch her, she was too hurt by her past then."

"True." I said, as she turned her head over for me to scritch her chin. Then she went back to preening her beautiful chest feathers, which was so cool to watch. The 3 of us sat there like that for a while, as every muscle in my body relaxed and I finally started getting tired.

After a while, I was ready. "Okay, you can take her." I said.

"Okay. Angilla, she's happy. You did well." She climbed up onto His finger and then perched on His shoulder. She sat there preening her chest feathers. When He started to walk away, she went through every sound that she's got, ending with the creative whistles that always made me laugh... the sounds got lower and lower... and then I couldn't see, or hear, them anymore.

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I opened my eyes and cried for a while, but I wasn't crying out of beating myself up or playing "what ifs" or being angry at God... I was just crying because I miss her. I know I'll be crying because of that for a while, but it feels like more of the normal grief... not anger spurting out in all directions. I know she's happy, I know I did well... I just... miss her... and that'll take time to heal.

I fell asleep shortly after that, totally at peace.

So I thought I would share it with anyone else grieving a loss. Your situation will be different, but I thought it might help nonetheless. Especially for those of us who have lost parrots suddenly, with little to no warning.

all I can say is that was beautiful - I'm glad both of you are now at peace.

Now let her rest in peace

What a comfort that dream must be. I agree with everything He said in your dream.

Hi, I'm new to the board and you don't know me that well yet but I just want to say that I am so so sorry you lost your sweet Sammy. I have owned birds for some time and they are my family, they are spiritually connected to me as my family and to lose one is like a loss that noone but another bird lover can understand.

I am also very spiritual and this was a most moving dream to me, I definately believe that God touches us in all ways and I believe that He reached out to you in this dream to let you know that your Sammy is exactly how you saw her in this instance-full feathered, happy and whistling up a storm.

Thank you for sharing this with us. God Bless. Bren

Everything He said is correct, Angilla ... you did the very best you could ... and He was just waiting for you to see that ... Now you know that Sammy IS healthy and happy and in such loving hands, the most loving of all!

Grieve for the loss of Sammy, but do not grieve for what 'might have been' ... she is in a MUCh better place .

God Bless, Angilla.

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