I really don't know what to say this morning... When the phone rang, the first thing I thought was "Crap! I forgot to call my dad yesterday for his birthday!" So, I answered the phone and immediately told my mom I was sorry for not calling (cause she would usually yell at me for it), but her response was "It's ok. Are you home?" Yeah. "Are you sitting down?"

UGH. The dreaded words. I swear, those are the worst words on the planet. I hate them. The last time I heard them was when my Uncle unexpectedly passed away a few months ago, and here were those words again. In my heart of hearts I knew what she was going to say, but the words just keep repeating over and over again in my head.

"Grandma's Gone"

I just want to scream, I want to go back to sleep and wake up on a different morning. I want to be back in Nebraska so that I can hug my mom, and I just can't be. I can't leave, I can't be with her... So, here I sit. Staring at my walls, feeling horribly guilty because I haven't seen her for so long. Even when I was in Nebraska last time, I was "just too busy" to stop in and let her see me and the kids. I feel like a terrible person... I know how much she wanted to see us. She sounded so disappointed on the phone when I told her I wouldn't have time. I am the oldest grandkid, and she was always there for me, but I just wasn't there for her.

We fought off and on (because she had a stroke 10 years ago, and wasn't quite the same, she was very irrational) and she lived with me for a short time, so that definitely strained our relationship... but it had gotten so much better.

My mom and I lived with her when I was really little when my mom divorced my bio-dad. I remember it like it was yesterday, honestly... her horrible dog (lol) who was papertrained in the kitchen of all places... I spent so much time with her when I was younger... she was the only real grandma that I had, and now... she's gone.

My mom is a total wreck, and there's nothing I can say to her. I've talked to her a couple of times this morning, but all we can do is cry. Today is my little brother's 20th birthday. I can't be with him or my little sister

Then, to make everything worse... we have company coming over today to watch a football game, and then, to top that off, Mike got called in to work, so he isn't here either. He was here this morning, but he's gone for the next few hours. Like I REALLY want to clean and get ready for company right now??? It's not his fault, we could use the overtime money, so I know why he went in, and he did ask me first.

I have no idea what I want. Besides just to crawl into a hole and not come out for a while. I just feel... empty. My poor husband tries so hard, but there's just nothing he can do, and I really don't have the energy to pretend to be ok. I'm not ok. It's not ok.

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to put it somewhere.

Awww Stef, I'm SO sorry for your loss.
We're all here for you. I'm only a PM away if you need to talk...

Big Hugs to you and your family.

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my aunt a couple of weeks ago. She was there for me after the loss of my Son.
If there is anything I can do, please PM me. Hugs to you Sweet One during this time.

Steph, I am so sorry about your Grandma, I am sure that she knew that you loved her.

Don't be afraid to cancel your football plans, your friends will certainly understand

Ahh Stef, sending you big hugs, I know how hard it is to be away from family when a family crisis happens. Just know that you aren't alone, because you have your QP family right here with you.

I truly believe that the spirits connect and your grandma will hear your prayers and thoughts She'll know that you loved her. Even if you couldn't be there in person to say goodbye you can tell her in your prayers.

I'm sure she wouldn't want you to beat yourself up now because you couldn't be there.

Just know that she's in a much better place now, free from pain and worry.

I agree its not too late to call your friends and cancel the football party plans...They'll understand.

Big hugs to you girl!

Thank you guys for being here, really. It means so much to have somewhere to turn to.

As far as the football plans, I was going to cancel them, but if I'm alone too long, I get way too depressed, and I just feel like I need to do something "normal"... if that makes sense.

They are awesome people, and so if I need alone time, I know that they won't mind if I slip into the bedroom. I won't feel like I have to entertain them (especially since Mike will be here). I just won't deep clean the house like I probably would have any other day.

Oh Stef, I am so very sorry. Please don't have any regrets, your grandmother wouldn't of wanted that and life is too short to be regretful. Focus on all the happy times you had with her and the love the two of you shared.

Sending hugs your way.

When my Dad passed away in March of this year this poem was sent to me. It did make sense and I hope it may make you feel a little better. I'm so sorry for your loss.

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and
Find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
I want you all to sing,
Because an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the wing,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Author unknown

I am so sorry for your loss - my deepest condolances and hugs sent your way. I've lost so many loved ones myself - the hurt and pain is still very raw - take care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

I'm so sorry Stef. It sounds like you are going through so many emotions right now. I know there isnt a whole lot we can say besides-we are here to listen and pray for you and your family.

Sending lots of hugs your way girl!

Thoughts and prayers are with you Steph. This will be such a hard time to go thru 'alone' ... but you are not alone ... there is Someone beside you all the way ... and your forum family is here for you as well.

Be thankful for the time you had with her ... she knew you loved her.

My sympathies for your pain.

My most sincere condolences, Steph. ~HUGS~

Stef,
So very sorry for your loss. "Sorry" seems like such an inadequate word. Unfortunately it seems to be the only one I know.
May God take the pain you are feeling and replace it with His peace.
God bless you and your family.
Pam

Oh Steph, I am so sorry to hear about your Grandma. Grandmas are special just as Grandchildren are. That's why they call them Grand. Your Grandma, knew that you loved her as she loved you. Don't beat yourself up. It's natural to feel this way.

Jo