Im sorry I cant sleep because

Today is a special yet mournful day. Alot of people on this forum know of Pauly J.(aka Paulie 1) But i rarely tell the story of my original paulie. He was a sweet little bird who I nursed back to health when I was 14 years old. the reason I do not speak of him is because of the tragedy that took place resulting in his death and my guilt because I caused it. I cared for him and loved him so much for so long he only had one wing because he was born that way and yet i accepted him that way even though everyone asked me why did i want him because i knew he needed me.. But what happened I ask you not to judge me for as accidental as it was, i still call myself a murderer for doing it.

It happened Sept 27th 1998 I was meeting my boyfriend (Now Hubby)because he was driving me to class that day. I was running late. Paulie was loose on his cage. My mother was in the kitchen. I left paulie in the room with the TV on and I then went to the kitchen and remembered I had a book in my room. I usually always look down so i know if he fell and stuff. but for some reason I did not. I opened the door and stepped on one of my stuffed animals because their always on the floor cause I have a faulty shelf and off they go. As i grabbed the book , i turned and stepped down to catch my balance and heard the most heart wrenching sound I never want to hear in my entire life ever again.(im sorry it hurts like hell to write this) When i lifted my foot I screamed Because it wasnt a stuffed animal it was my paulie.

I dropped to the floor and picked him up calling to him appologizing for what i did. My mother saw what happened and she called my boyfriend and told him what happened, he was already on his way up. I held paulie in my arms he began to bleed from his mouth while I kept saying to him 'Im sorry I am so sorry please dont die, I didnt mean for this to happen. Paulie Im so sorry, I love you' Paulie looked me right in the eyes and then closed his eyes, he died in my arms of a broken neck. My mother tried to console me, telling me it was a accident and it could have happened to anyone.

But till this day I feel like a murderer. I killed him and the scar is still fresh. I still mourn the little guy because of the way he went. If he was still alive he would have been 13 years today. I remember still holding his little lifeless body pleading with god "why? why did this happen?!". The look he gave me before he passed on, i still remember. He wasn't panicking or making any noise at all, he looked at me right in the eye and then slowly closed them and that was it.

I hope you all understand, I still feel like I've done wrong. I still blame myself. It still hurts. But i hope you all learn to be careful around your fids. always look down always be aware of where they are or might be. so you dont have a tragedy like mine, and feel the pain i feel.

Thanks for listening,Its taken me years to deal with this loss, but i feel alittle better now. I know in my heart he's at rainbow bridge with all my other fids flying happily across the oceans and green meadows. I know he is safe, though here on earth he is still missed.

i'm so sorry Rose.... i know nothing i say will help with the pain but just know that there are people who understand and are here to help!

I'm so sorry that this happened to you Rose. It was an accident, and they do happen. Please do not beat yourself up about it - you loved Paulie and gave him a happy life. Hugs your way - I feel so bad too

What a sad story, and I am so sorry for your continuing pain.
It was generous of you to relive it and share with us, as a reminder of just how fragile these little lives are. I have stepped on cats, dogs, even a kitten, but no harm done. It is just too easy to trust that our birds will be where we expect them to be, but sadly- that's not always the case.
I think it is about time you work on letting go of that guilt though. Poor little Paulie wouldn't have made it at all without you, and he left this world knowing he was loved.

Maybe it is time to start celebrating this anniversary as a celebration of the life and love you shared with Paulie.

I hope your day is filled with great memories of your lost friend.

Hugs to you.

My eyes and heart are crying for you , I am sure Paulie knew how much you loved him and that it was an accident....(((HUGS))) , I wish I could ease your pain but words can`t fix a broken heart. While you remember him he will live on...

hey guys,

I feel since i wrote this last night *or rather this morning im feeling alittle better. It has been hard to deal with for many years, but I am learning to go on, i do celebrate his birthday as a celebration of his life because if it wasnt for him i would have never had my other two paulies and Kai. I always from the beginning had a soft spot for birds in need, i guess you could thank paulie for that. I am gonna light a candle for him tonight and say a few words for him to let him knwo that im thinking about him. I know it is hard to read but i hope at least on parront can benefit from this tragedy.

Im so sorry to read your heart aching story. I am still crying for you. I was in tears all day since i red your post. Hugs

And I am crying now...Oh how sad and yes a terrible accident.....

My heart aches for you Rose...I'm happy to hear that you are feeling better now...And hopefully you will be able to move on which I'm sure you will...My thoughts are with you....

Ohhh Rose your so tender hearted what a lovely person you are ! And to tell us gee that hurt to read it...but it could of happened to anyone of us. Im religious and the Bible says God "Is Love" and I believe that in His Infinate wisdom and love that He has made a place for all of His creatures. I believe one fine day you will see Paulie again! Love never dies....

Oh that was a very sad story to have to tell, I know you have to live with this forever. I know it's hard. Poor thing, I feel for Paulie, and for you too. weird accidents happens for no reason, and theres no answer for them either. But you learn from it, and you know it wasn't really your fault you simply did not see the poor bird. I'm learning right now from this, Rio walks all over the floor..! I'll surely be more cautious from now on. ((HUGS))HE KNOW YOU LOVED HIM. But I am glad to hear you feel some better.

yeah as long as i know i helped one parront its something we all have to learn from.

I had a very similar situation happen with my baby lovebird Beamer. It was an accident, but it was an accident that didn't have to happen. I feel and understand what you are going through. Please don't blame yourself. Paulie is looking down on you with love.

im in tears as i read this post. im so sorry for your loss. sending you hugs and prayers but also a happy birthday for Paulie. he still lives in our hearts.

My eyes are raining too. It hurts so badly to lose our birds, but it has to feel far worse when it was an accident involving you.

Please don't beat yourself up. Your beloved Paulie wouldn't want you to do that. Maybe God just needed a special bird for Himself or one of the precious children He looks after. I'm sure He thought Paulie was special enough for His needs.

sending hugz and thoughts on this special day

This is going to be a bit long, I'm sorry.

As odd as this may sound, and I don't usually say this...but I know what you're going through. I felt the same way about my pony when she died.

I was 11 when I got my pony, Flicka. She was everything to me for four years, I loved her more than anything. I was born with Cerebral Palsy and scoliosis, but she never judged me. Nothing I did was too slow, or awkward. She was my best friend.

But I had to give her up. My back kept getting more and more crooked, and the braces weren't helping...so we made the hard decision to go ahead with surgery. After my recovery was complete I went back to riding, until we met with my doctor who told me that if I fell off the risk was very high that I would break my neck or my hips, because of where the rods in my back start and end. Those two areas are weak. He said "You can ride, but you can't fall off." Well, anyone who rides knows that every rider falls off, you can't avoid it. So, I had to give up riding. To make it a thousand times worse, I came home from school one day and my mom told me "I found a really nice family who wants a free horse, and I told them about Flicka! They're coming this weekend to see her." So, not only was I losing my best friend, but my mom didn't value her at all! She's giving her away! It took me a LONG time to forgive my mom, but I did, and I feel much better.

Anyway, the day after the woman came to meet Flicka, she came back with a horse trailer. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. And I didn't tell her that Flicka was an escape artist. It took me even longer to forgive myself for not telling her that. I caused Flicka's death, I didn't tell her that Flicka could open doors.

Well, a month after Flicka went to her new home (I can't elaborate on that more, it makes me cry, thinking about it) I got a phone call saying that Flicka was dead. She got out of her paddock and into the feed room in the barn. She got into the grain and colicked; they had to put her down.

Like I said, it took me a long time to forgive myself. And my mom, I blamed her, too. So I know what you're going through.

I don't know that you ever "get over" something like that, but the pain does cease. It won't completely go away...but when Flicka died there was a huge hole in my heart, and I became a completely different person for a few years. I was angry, self-destructive and I hated the world. Then I met Zach, and he filled the hole in my heart. I'm much better now.

When the time comes, and you're ready, maybe something will come along to fill that void and help the pain to cease.

Dani