If you have had children, you will laugh and sigh with relief, especially if they are now older.
If you have yet to have some , I highly recommend it.... but read this first!!

Happy Mother's Day!!


How to Prepare for Becoming a Parent

Lesson 1: Go to the grocery store. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for
the last time.

Lesson 2: Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who already are parents and berate them about their: Methods of
discipline. Lack of patience. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
Allowing their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training,
table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it, because it will be the
last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3: To discover how the nights will feel...Walk around the
living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately
8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living
room again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3AM. As you
can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at
2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark
until 4AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
cheerful.

Lesson 4: Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...Smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of
raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick
your fingers in the flower bed. Then rub them on the clean walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5: Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. Buy an
octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the
octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed
for this - all morning.

Lesson 6: Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you
can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD
player. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them
into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. Perfect.

Lesson 7: Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest
thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full- grown goat is
excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than
one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of
your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you
can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8: Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by
pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are
gone. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the
air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.

Lesson 9: Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
(Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10: Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while
playing the mommy' tape made from Lesson 9 above. You are now ready to
have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room

OMG How true is THAT??!! Family party ... 9 adults ..... 2 OBNOXIOUS teenagers .... one 7 yr old .... one 2 yr old ..... one 3 yr old that thinks she is 10 .... (thank heavens the 8 yr old, 11 yr old and 13 yr old were NOT with us) ... add one screaming cockatoo ... NOW YOU ARE READY TO HAVE A FAMILY!!!!

Perfect !