Some of you may remember me, I found this chat many years ago and use to be quite active here. My best friend is no longer with me, and I am dealing with the worst pain and heart ache I have ever felt in my entire life. My Corkey would have been 16 on March 4.
Last night, I read many posts of people that have also lost their beloved friends, and cried, feeling everyone's pain so very clear.

I suppose, I just need to post this, to people who really understand my pain and loss...I really do not know how life can go on, without him...I miss him so very much

Friday January 30^th, 2009, I took my best friend, my beloved Quaker parakeet, Corkey to the vet. Our regular vet was not working, due to surgery, so I set up an appointment with the local vet. Corkey had developed a lump in his chest area, and I was concerned. He was acting totally fine, eating well, playing, singing, his poop was normal…there was no sign of illness at all, just a lump. As far as I could tell, there was no pain associated with this lump, but I still felt a need to have him looked at. They say with birds, you have to move quickly, if something appears wrong, because they hide illness so well, I did not want to waste any time.

Corkey was born March 4, 1993. He came to me at about 8 weeks old, he quickly became the love of my life. Corkey was so much more than just a bird…he was my child, my best friend, my rock and over the last almost 16 years, my reason for being alive.

I went through severe female problems, during his baby years, and a total hysterectomy followed. I wanted to have a baby so very much, and all that emptiness and love I felt, went into my little green friend. I also went through a divorce, after 17 years of marriage, again, he was by my side.

At about three months old, Corkey looked at me, and clear as a bell, he said, “hi.” Ever since that day, my sweet baby never stopped talking and singing. He was my world.

I bundled him up about 3:30pm on Friday and off we went to the vet. I talked to him, all the way there, reached my finger in his little travel cage, stroking his head, telling him it was going to be ok, and whatever it was, we would get through this too, together.

The vet examined him and explained she wanted to put a needle in his chest, to draw some fluid from the lump to study it, and find out what was wrong. She took my baby to another room. I waited and waited, after some time, I was in the hallway, and she walked by, I looked at her and said, “I am freaking out.” She said that he was fine, but they had some problem getting the blood to clot in the two areas where the needle went in. A bit later, she brought Corkey back to the room we were in. I opened his little cage and petted him, he seemed different. I asked he why he was acting so odd…she said he was confined for the test and didn’t like it. She gave me some antibiodics, explained to give them twice a day, and on Sunday, to begin using a warm compress on the area. She felt he had fallen and injured himself and it would get better.

I brought Cork home, the second we walked in the door, Pepper and Toby (the other two birds) squawked and greeted him, Corkey squawked back to them, seeming to say, “I am home,” I got him back in his caged, and everything seemed ok. I fed him a little bit of apple from my hand, and checked every few minutes, to make sure there was no blood on the bottom of the cage, from the injection sites. The last time I checked my dear friend was about 1am, I peeked in, with a flash light, he was awake, I told him I loved him, and covered him for the night. Little did I know, this would be the last time, I would see him alive.

I woke up Saturday morning, about 7, it felt strange, because I didn’t hear Corkey. I went to his cage first and opened the blanket…I looked at his little sleeping perch and he wasn’t there. My eyes looked all over the cage, and I couldn’t see him, until my eyes looked down, to the bottom of the cage. My sweet baby, lying on his side on the bottom of the cage. Dead.



I fell to my knees in tears. He could not be dead, he was suppose to live at least another 15 years. I wept. I walked around the house, crying and whimpering. I went back to his cage, many times, looking as tears of the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life, rolled down my face.

I took a soft towel and reached in, wrapping it around his little body and took him in my hands, gently stroking his beautiful green feathers, saying, “Corkey, please wake up, Mommy needs you.” He didn’t move. At this point, I knew, he was dead.

I arrange to have a necropsy done, the drive was about two hours, I packed Corkey up and a friend of mine also came, as we drove to see why he died.

The place we went to was an exotic animal hospital, right away, I was blaming myself for my baby’s death, because I should have brought him here to be checked on.

The doctors there were very kind. Corkey was examined and everything was very normal, except for the fact that he was showing some signs of liver disease and that the place were he was stuck with the needle, didn’t clot. He bled to death, internally from the needle.

They gave Corkey back to me, in a white box, with a pink heart sticker on it. I brought him home, to make final arrangements for his little body.

I could not even think about the funeral on Saturday, because every thing inside me, screamed with pain. When I walked in the door..I didn’t hear my dear friend, for the first time, in almost 16 years, I wept.

Corkey’s funeral was Sunday. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Every time I look at his cage, I cry. I leave for work and do not hear him, saying, “Mommy gotta go to work.” I cry. I hear songs he used to sing, I cry. I see a random feather of his, floating through the air, anything I seem to do, involving any “normal” routine, kills me inside, because my dear friend was so engrained in every activity of my life. Even closing the living room curtains, because I always would look over and talk with him, as I did this. I cannot bear to clean his cage and remove it, His food and water dish still sits there, his little toys, all twisted in little piles, of the "nests" he would try to create.

I don’t hear his little voice saying, “I am ready to go night, night.” He used to tell me every night, when it was time for him and his two brothers to go to bed. His little, fun songs do not fill the air anymore…instead, it is quiet. One of his favorite songs was “You are my sunshine” He really was my sunshine.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Corkey, how much I love you…” (he never did learn the last line to this song, maybe because he knew, what it would do to my heart, if he was ever taken away from me.)

I reflect in my mind, that it wasn’t my fault, that I did the right thing, taking him to the vet. Perhaps that, his life ending like this, was best and most peaceful for him. I still cannot help but realize, if I had not acted so quickly, if I had not taken him to an inexperienced vet, if she had not put the needle in a lump. If she had known it was not safe to stick a needle into him…my dear baby would still be here, singing and happy.

I am really trying not to do the “what ifs”, he is gone, forever, and nothing will ever change that. I think of poems I have seen over the years and cry.



I'm Still Here

I was near you, by your bed last night; I came to have a peek.
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.

I chattered to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well. I'm fine. I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast. I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me.

I was with you at my grave today. You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I am not lying there.

I flew with you back towards the house. As you fumbled for your key,
I gently touched you with a feather, I smiled and said, "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was perching there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, and then smiled. I think you knew
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over - I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Good night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll fly across to greet you and we'll enter side by side.

I have many things to show you. There is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

Author Unknown



I will lend to you for a while, a bird, God said.
for you to have him while he lives and mourn for him when he is dead.

Maybe for twenty or forth years, or maybe for two or three.
But will you, "till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you and should his stay be brief,
you'll always have his memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise that he will stay, since all from earth return,
But these are lessons taught below I want this bird to learn,

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true.
and from the folks that crowd life's land, I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love; nor think the labor vain:
Nor hate me when I come to take my lovely bird again?

I fancied that I heard them say, Dear Lord, thy will be done,
for all the joys this bird will bring, the risk of grief we'll run.

Will you shelter him with tenderness? Will you love him while you may?
and for the happiness you'll know, forever grateful stay?

But should I call him back much sooner than you've planned;
Please brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

If, by your love, your've managed, my wishes to achieve,
In memory of him you've loved; be thankful; do not grieve.

Cherish every moment of your feathered change.
He filled your home with songs of joy the time he was alive.
Let not his passing take from you these memories to enjoy.

"I will lend to you, a Bird," God said, and teach you all you have to do.
and when I call him back to heaven, you will know he loved you too.

Author unknown



I miss you so very much, my little Corkey Porkey. You will never know how much Mommy loves you and how bad I am hurting today. You will never know how many times, you were my only reason for living or how many times you saved my life. You brought so much joy and happiness to me. You taught me, what real love is.

I hear your sweet voice singing to me…

“I will always love you”.

02/05/09

If you would like to see the web page I made about Corkey, may years ago, it has some wav files of him singing songs...

ttp://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Park/9260/corkey.html

Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. I cried through your entire post. My heart is so heavy thinking about your pain. 16 years is a long time to be embraced by such a wonderful creature. I am sure he knew how much you loved him and he is not in pain any more. Please know we are all here for you and wish you the best. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss I feel your pain...I don't know what to say because you need comfort I just want to cry with you...Life will go on birds need people like you that can love them and care for them . God bless you..((HUGS))

My heart goes out to you I know what you are going through I lost my little baby about two weeks ago. It has been hard but you will make it through by thinking of all the wonderful times you had together and how you wouldnt change athing. So take all the time you need but know you did nothing wrong and your little baby loved you as much as you loved him. Hang in there
Holly

Thank you both for your kind words...it means a lot.
I miss him so very much,

Holly,
Thank you. I am so very sorry for your loss too. I didn't know, loving someone so very much was even possible.
They are very special creatures, no doubt.

Oh Ang I am so sorry about Corky. I honestly can't even imagine what you are going through. I also cried reading your post because I've only had my baby Simon for a year, but he is my heart too. I also have 2 other fids, but Simon has the top spot in my heart and I can't imagine life without him. I wish I had words to tell you how my heart aches for you. I know there is nothing that will take away your pain but time, but know that people here on this forum are thinking about you and that we too feel your pain. Please take care of yourself and remember that Corky is flying free now and someday you will be with him again.

Oh dear I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a member of the family.Just remember all the good times. And know that he is still with you in your heart and memories.
I also cried with your post. We are all here for you if you need to talk.
Angie

Thank you all so much for your kind words...I am not sure what else to say, but I am grateful, for those of you who understand the kind of love I am speaking of. It hurts so bad.

I am so sorry for your loss. They become such a huge chunk of your life. It sounds like you made a wonderful home for Corkey. I hope some deserving QP out there will get the chance to share your love.

i'm so sorry to hear about Corky. i can only imagine how much it hurts.

I am so sorry for your loss. I cried the entire time I read your post. It was only 11 months ago that I lost the light of my life Gurk. I still cry everyday. You are right when you say they are special creatures. I never in a million years ever thought that I could love something as much I did/do love Gurk. He loved me unconditionally just as Corkey did you. The pain is unimaginable. I have never felt pain this bad. I know exactly how you feel. I know there is nothing that I can say or do to make you feel better. I really wished I could. Just know that if you need to talk you can always pm me. Also hold onto your wonderful memories. The great times you spent with Corkey will stay with you forever. No bird will ever take his place in your heart. I know that you have lost your child, companion, friend, and baby. It's the hardest thing that you will probably ever go through. I really wished I could take away some of the pain. Everyone says time will do that. I don't know, because I haven't experienced that yet. Every night I lay down to go to sleep and cry myself to sleep still. Just take the time you need to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it. Do it in your own time and remember, that we are all here for you if you need to talk. Please know that you and Corkey are in my prayers. I know my Gurk will look out for him and keep him company until we get there to be with them again. Please take care of yourself. Huge hugs are sent your way.

Tina

There are no words that can express how very sorry I am. Corky sounded like the coolest little buddy one could ask for.

My heart aches for you.
I remember how I felt when my Georgie died last year. I could hardly stop crying.
It was my fault though that he died. Now I have Chili. I love him to the ends of the earth.
I hope soon you will find warmth and comfort in your memories of him.

Love and hugs

Nancy and Chili

I just want to thank everyone for your responses, it does help, to feel that I am not all alone. All I can do is cry. Thank you for caring enough to read about my baby and to send your kind words. The house is so quiet, not hearing him sing through all the songs he used to sing...even with the two other birds...it is a very sad, quiet house, without Corkey.

~angela

I am so sorry for your loss. While reading your post I was crying my eyes out. I really feel your pain. My Ruffles is my baby and I can't imagine losing him. I don't know what to say, but my heart goes out to you. Take care,

You know, I have to admit: I know these feelings all too well, and reading your post also brought me to tears. My warmest thoughts and prayers will be with you as you learn to deal with this change in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Angela,
My heart goes out to you in this time of sorrow. I am so very sorry about your loss. Corkey loved you and he knew he was loved so very much. BIG HUGS across the miles.........

My heart is breaking and the tears are flowing as I read the words of pain and love you wrote about Corkey. As hard as it is you have to try and remember the good times and know that the life you gave him here on earth was filled with love. I just know Corkey is still there with you trying to reassure you that he loves you and is watching over you. Sending you big, big hugs and wishing I could deliver them in person. God Bless you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a dog for 16 years. My husband got her for me when she was 5 weeks old for Valentines Day. I too have had serious problems with child bearing. 10 pregnancies and no children. I had to finally have a hysterectomy in Oct.of 08. My Gabbie was there through thick and thin. She was so sweet and loving and there for me 100 percent. I know what you mean. My husband was there, but it was like Gabbie just knew and I didn't have to say anything she was just there. She developed cancer and we had to put her down 16 years later on Valentines Day. We have her buried in between 2 palm trees in the back with a head stone. She is like my child. I will love her forever. It does get easier. It takes a long time and alot of healing. I was lucky and have a great family who understood what she was and still is to me. I have a huge support system. This is of no fault on your part. You were worried and took her to get help. You did the right thing. I will keep you in my prayers.

Ang
I am a pet lover and know how you feel. Have lost several pets in my life & each and everyone of them hurts when they die. I am so sorry for your losts. Know now is not the time to think about another bird, but in time I would suggested you get another one. It has helped me to do that
Dinkie

I am so very sorry for your loss. My eyes are raining too. I know that we must grieve when anything happens to our fids, but it certainly leaves a big hole in our heart.
There is a time to grieve and a time to heal, and during all that are times filled with memories. No one can ever take those memories away from you. You will always have them.
My prayer for you is that God will bless you, somehow ease your pain and give you peace.

Ang, I am so so sorry about Corkey. YOu will always feel the pain of his loss. BUT, you will also always love him and you can be sure he loved you too. He told you all the time! I am sorry your heart hurts so badly right now. It will get easier to bear as time goes on.

You all are really wonderful, for taking the time, to send words of kindness...thank you.

I am sorry for bringing such a sad story to everyone's day and so many tears.

I just hope tonight, you might give those you love and extra hug and remember how very special every moment is.

I have been working on a Memorial web page for my sweetie all day...between each session of tears.

I will post it here, at least where it as at this point.

Thank you all again, I really can feel your kindness and compassion and it really does help.

~angela

In Memory of my Beloved Corkey -

http://www.geocities.com/angatplay/

My heart goes out to you in your time of need. Love yourself as you grieve and do so on your own terms. A bond as strong as yours cannot be broken by absence. Animals burrow deep in our hearts and remain with us forever. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I am so very sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss. *Hugs*

I am heartbroken for your loss. Corkey was one special quaker. The memorial page is beautiful and I listened to all the audio files on your other webpage. What a sweetheart. He is near you.

Jen

Im so sorry to read of your loss. Im sending you hugs and prayers your way.

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you.

aw Ang I am so sorry for your loss (((Hugs)))

Your words and understanding have meant more than you know.

Thank you all, for taking the time to reach out and show you care.

~Angela

Oh Angela my heart is just breaking for you! I am so very sorry for your loss ..

I just wanted to say sorry for what you went through and your loss and to thank you for your kind words when my little baby went last month, I know only too well what you are going through and it isnt easy. I cried at what you wrote especially at the whole "I was supposed to have him for atleast another 16 years" I feel the same way. Why did they have to leave so soon?

tears are sreaming down my face right now .. i am so sorry for your loss of little corky .. my thoughts and prayers are with you

I cried the whole time I read your post and tears are still streaming down my face. I will pray for you and your baby. Corkey will always be by your side. Take your time and heal as you need to. You are not alone.

Dana

I cannot say how much everyone here has helped me, not to feel so alone, in the loss of my best friend....thank you all, for being so kind and caring.

The pain, emptiness and aching is still so strong, it really makes me realize, how much my "little green monster" was such a huge part of my life. I was vacuuming tonight, and I didn't hear him saying "peek a boo" as he always did, any time I ran the vacuum...it hurts so much.

I miss you and love you, my little Corkey Porkey.

I wish everyone the best.

~Angela

Tomorrow March 4.....would have been Corkey's 16th Birthday.

It has been just over a month, since I lost my best friend.

I added a "birthday page" to his memorial site with a poem I wrote, that expresses my feelings.

I miss you, my sunshine birdie and I will always love you.

Happy Birthday, Cork.

16 candles, my baby, your birthday is here
who ever thought this is how we would end your year?

Reflecting back on the good times we have had
Memories and tears consume me, I feel so sad.

Alone, I sit, watching the flame
Here I am, singing your name.

Wishing my love, could return you to me.
Your face in a picture, is all that I see.

Your sweet life flashes before my eyes.
They say a spirit of love never dies.

Yet, I held your cold body, looking down to your face.
I stroked your soft feathers, making sure each was in place.

My tears dropped down on your body, as I looked in disbelief.
Now, the pain and misery fills me, I have never felt such grief.

I miss you so, my love and only wish to see you again.
Feeling no purpose for life, just waiting for the end.

In my dreams, you fly to me, so peaceful and free.
My sweet little green friend, so happy to see me.

Together again, where we both belong.
I miss you my Corkey, Mommy won't be long.

~angela

(Thank you for this site and a place to expree my sorrow and love for my lost friend)

Oh Ang... that poem is absolutely beautiful! Such a touching tribute to a wonderful friend. My tears flow with yours. I hope the memories sustain you through this grief.

Angela,
I wished I could be with you today to help you through this pain. I know nothing I say or do will help, just know that I am here for you. If you need to talk, you know how to find me. You and Corkey are in my thoughts and prayers today as you are every day. Please take care my friend. If you need anything, feel free to contact me?

Tina

I love the pitcure here with the Beatles album cover that is soooooo cute indeed

Your saying here your words that's is also to the ones I suddenly lose my Kiwi of 4 years June 20. 2008 and Shamrock April 10, 2009 at just 1 year I'm devastated over both loses ever since they will both always be in my heart 4-ever indeed I feel and think that in both cases it must have been in the genes somewhere it must have been genetic seems like it because they were both prefectly healthy and all and just up and passed on suddenly and I miss them both terrible now at least I still have my other 2 Tiki and Quakey and I love them the same thanks for all the wordings Quakey Tiki and Mommy

I know exactly how you feel I have 3 quakers Quakey Tiki and Kiwi and all of a sudden my 4 year old Kiwi suddenly just like that passed-on and he was perfectly health to I can't understand it at all I'm devastated over it it'll be 1 year since then now on June 20th and I had gotten another baby quaker Shamrock a few days after that and they all loved each other in March he just turned a year and then to all my birdies are always kept healthy at all times everyday here if you know what I mean and then suddenly April 10th Shamrock came to my pillow and just passed-on the same way as Kiwi did it's so unfair to the both of them it must be something in the genes then I guess I would persume then but still I'm so devstated over both losses like that everyday now I want to replace'em with another baby quaker sometime soon and at least I have Quakey and Tiki but I worry about the 2 of them after something like that if you know what I mean I cherish and love Quakey and Tiki all so much more and more here everyday bot the 2 losses are to great I could never be without my quakers never I love them both soooooo much more and more everyday they're my babies my lovie-dovies my special angles my little wonders and all like that so sorry for your loss I can relate to it o.k.

I can relate I know how you feel I loss 4 year old Kiwi June 20 2008 and I loss Shamrock 1 year April 10 2009 both the same way it seems like they both just up and passed-on just like that even thought they were both prefectly healthy and all I'm devastated over both losses like that to now it's like losing a child they're not birds they're little people in bird suits, they're feathered children I still have Quakey and Tiki and i constantly worry about the 2 of them now if you know what I mean they're my little special angles, my world my everything my lovies-dovies and all here more and more every day here I love'em both more than life itself even to those 2 poems/stories here really touch the heart here with me it's so true and so emtional to real to o.k. I wrote it out so that I would be able to read it here everyday with my 2 losses it means all so much to me

Love the name and Love the Beatle Lp cover with him on it that sooooo CUTE here indeed Mommy Tquila and Tiki

I know how you feel this is mommmy Tequila and Tiki back in 4/10/09 we suddenly and unexpectedly not sick or anything like that devastating loss of Shamrock and now over night hours of 7/29/09 the same way and all we lost 4 year old Quakey I just don't understand it at all I'm devastated beyond believe and now I'm worry about little Tiki if it would happen to him the same way since it happened that same way to the other 2 I read the whole poem thing and I got so emotional reading it that I had to write it all down so that I can have it for myself and read it everyday to try and easy the pain of such unexpected tragic sudden loss and grief like this here I just wanted to say hello and let you know that o.k. sorry for you loss it's like losing a child these little green guys are the greatest they're to smart to be birds they really trully are well nice chatting with you from Mommy Tequila my amazon and quaker Tiki who will celebrate his 3rd birthday on September 7th 2009 or shall I say Hatch Day It's a surprise but he's crazy about Elvis and there's one of the best Elvis inpersonators Chris Mcdonald and I'm going to take Tiki to see'em he'll love it I'm sure but I want it to be a surprise for'em

My heart aches right along with you, you had such a special bond with Corkley. Please know that I am praying for you amd I am so sorry, I know he'll aways be close to your heart.


Love and Hugs
Denise H