How much I miss this wonderful being. Yesterday Lord I know you saw me cry myself to sleep. I almost faint for the second time over my beloved grandmother. I felt the symptoms last night the light headedness from the breathing the feeling of ting lying sensation running through me body as if I was sort of flying... I understand this is the cycle of life as I've experience this often trile of life before with beloved animals you set in my life. The day that my grandmother left us it felt as you struck my heart as if glass and make it into tiny peace's. I but up a veil and made everyone believe I've excepted it and in ways I have but in others I haven't.
I break myself when I think of my memories with my second mother. I try to push them out but they return -- in many ways I don't want to loose them because if I do I'll loose everything. Sometimes I want you to lift me to you kingdom and take me with you so I can spend all eternity with my beloved grandmother. I ask myself why I put myself through this but I realize because its love -- its the love of my grandmother that awakens my pain and sorrow to the fact that she has left my life. I am now going through the process of the loss of a loved one and it is perfectly normal for me to mourn. But its so hard sometimes.
All I ask for is just ONE more day with my grandmother be it like her last days asleep and dyeing or well and happy and responsive. I know that one day will lead to two then into weeks and then months and then years. I want her back I want her soul her body her mind her everything back. I understand that I can't and that I'm being very selfish but I can't lie to myself I cry over this -- I just want to talk to her for one last time JUST ONE
, just once me do I beg to hear her voice speak to me. It tears me to know that the one thing I ask for will never happen again -- never again will it happen. I remember 4 years ago when I first started middle school I'd come home to home cooked meals and spend hour together not only talking but enjoying our presence. Words do not describe our relationship. I remember she used to have gadulez plant and it would bare beans and we'd spend hours opening the pouch and taking the beans out -- I remember I hated doing it but now I'd take one day to do that and replay it again so I can spend that time with her. She also made this wonderful shake made of papaya and it's wonderful. She finally taught it to me and I gave her a run for her money.
Before she passed away I told her that I wanted one of her chains. I wear it not to flaunt but to show honor. To show people that I am proud of the woman she was and to show respect to my loved one. If anyone askes then I'd more than happily tell them of her. She always fought with me about give the chain that she gave me to my young cousin, I always said no every time that she asked me kindly to give it to him. I told her that I couldn't that that was the only thing I had that she gave me -- that resembled her. Tonight I had to go to my aunts house and took her aside and told her "listen grandma always fussed at me to give this to Christian and I think its time that I part with is and do as she wished" I put is in her hand and she just looked at me and gave me a hug -- that was enough than words..
I would like to end this with one more paragraph about this wonderful lady. Like I stated in my previous post that my grandmother told me not to cry when she passes I told her I couldn't promise her that I asked her to promise me that when that day came that she has to promise me that she will let me know that she is ok and that she had to try her hardest to come back down to visit me and let me know she was around in spirit. The evening that she died everyone would come and go in and out of her room. It was to a point that it was my aunt two other people that I do not remember and me, I was just thinking trying to bring things together. All of a sudden I feel a tug on my shirt -- like someone trying to get my attention. I assumed it was my aunt and asked her if she pulled me and she said no. I stayed quite but she asked me why i told her because I just felt someone pull on my shirt and I thought it was you. At that point I knew it had to have been my great grandmother letting me know she was ok and was there. The same night I finally came home and let the birds out just to comfort me in a way. Susie went nuts -- she just totally lost it. She was in a frenzy making all sorts of noises and jumping on and off me. I got up because I thought something entered my room and search and search and finally realized that the dog was acting a bit different, again I honestly believe that my grandmother was with me to say her final goodbye and rest for the night...Today was another encounter I was going towards the kitchen -and on the wall we keep a bunch of bills and papers -- well just before I reach in there everything gets thrown on the floor and scattered and i was the only thing in the kitchen -- but again I do believe that these are sign that she is still with me and understands that I can never really have her gone from my life......
Having done all this I can only hope that this eases me and put my pain and sorrow to rest or least in peace for now.
I'm sorry for such a long post but I wanted it ALL to come out......
~Javi
. You have been blessed with a great grandmother that not a lot of people that I've seen have. I know that you two were very close and it's hard to part from her, but things will clear up in a bit because she will always be with you where ever you go. Lots of prayers and hugs out to ya -- take care 